When it comes to sexual activities, BDSM is a broader concept to talk about. BDSM can be divided into three basic categories viz. bondage-discipline, domination-submission, and sadism-masochism.
Furthermore, it gets divided into various subcategories and types.
For those who are new to the world of BDSM may have seen it in the movies like Fifty Shades of Grey or some other cheap and kinky adult DVD.
However, that is not how real BDSM is. The trilogy of Fifty Shades is a decent or sophisticated version.
Real BDSM is more similar tokinky roles and pain where one partner plays a dominating role whereas the other partner plays a submissive role.
Some people like both the roles and often switch their positions for greater satisfaction. It is more like a master-slave relationship where gender plays no role in deciding who the master is. Sadly, many people associate BDSM with rape or sexual abuse which is very wrong.
Rape or abuse is when a person is sexually assaulted without his/her permission. However, this is not the case in BDSM as it involves mutual consensus between the two partners. Therefore, there is nothing to be ashamed of if you are involved in BDSM sexual acts and scenes.
Even then many people do not express their desire to experiment with different kinks and role-play activities because they are too concerned about the societal stigma. Moreover, they fail to convey their thoughts and desires to their partner because they feel worried about their judgment and prejudice as well.
Therefore, today we have decided to answer all your queries related to BDSM irrespective of whether you are a beginner or a seasoned player. Let’s first start with the tips that would prove useful to the beginners.
Identify yourself
You might be fascinated about BDSM but you might be confused about the type of role you want to play especially if you are a beginner. Dominating and submissive roles are the most popular and easily identifiable roles when it comes to BDSM.
However, all the roles do not involve domination and submission. A role in which a person enjoys both domination and submission is known as 'Switch' as the person switches his/her role frequently.
If you are the one who takes all the initiatives and likes to be in charge while indulging in BDSM scenes then you are considered to be addicted to the ‘Top’ role. However, the one likes to play the ‘Top’ role does not necessarily dominate his/her partner.
Similarly, the person who is reluctant to take initiatives and enjoys being guided by his/her partner is considered to be addicted to the ‘Bottom’ role. Here also, the one who enjoys the ‘Bottom’ role might not necessarily play a submissive role.
In the BDSM scenes, there are many other roles such as Master, Slave, Mistress, bitch, sissy, etc. You need to identify with at least one role if you want to explore the unpredictable world of BDSM. You may also identify with multiple roles in different BDSM scenes.
Things that Appeal to You
Once you identify yourself with a role, you can think about the various fetishes that are involved in BDSM. For example, some individuals prefer to wear latex costumes while indulging in sex whereas some people like to wear leather apparel and accessories.
Some men/women like to fuck their partner after tying their eyes with a dark piece of cloth or eye patch whereas some men/women like to tie their partner to the bed with ropes or handcuffs.
A sub female might like to get gagged by a gag ball whereas a dom male (person playing a dominating role) might like to gag his partner while penetrating her in different sex positions. I know many women who like to get choked with a neck choker.
Similarly, there are many men and even some women who like to choke their partner while indulging in different sex postures.
Many also like to play with whips and paddles while indulging in sexual activities. There are endless possibilities with BDSM and you must choose or experiment with some accessories to check the things that give you the greatest pleasure.
I have seen many couples who love to play with hot wax while making love. While that can be extremely painful to others, people who are passionate about BDSM scenes enjoy pain and pleasure equally.
Figure Out the turn-offs
A BDSM enthusiast or expert might have many turn-ons. On the contrary, he/she might have many turn-offs as well. For example, a person who gets turned on by leather or latex costumes might not like it if his/her partner wears socks or stockings at all.
Similarly, a woman might be interested in getting tied on a bed by a rope but she might get repulsed if her partner tries to tie her down using handcuffs. Also, some women and even men might not like both and would prefer to be tied by a piece of cloth.
Every individual has their comfort zones when it comes to BDSM and we must learn to respect that. As a BDSM lover, you must figure out your turn-offs and communicate it effectively to your partner. This will ensure that you both enjoy a great sex session without any disturbances or clash of preferences.
There might be some fetishes that you want to try but you are not still prepared for it. You might also have the desire to get indulge in some fetish but that might be far from your limits.
You can communicate these desires and fetishes to your partner to see if he/she comes out with some ideas to satisfy your wishes.
Safety
Safety tips must be followed in every kind of sex but it is more relevant to BDSM because it involves too many props and accessories. Not using it properly or lack of knowledge can hurt you or your partner unintentionally and this might spoil your future endeavors as well.
To ensure complete safety you must tell your partner what you are going to do with him or her so that it doesn't shock them when you do it. While explaining the details you must also seek consent from your partner especially if some abuse or domination is involved in the activity.
Do not get carried away while performing BDSM scenes as you might hurt yourself or your partner in overexcitement. Self-control and practice is the key to enjoy and progress in BDSM sexual activities. To indulge in BDSM safely, both the partners must trust each other sufficiently.
We recommend you to avoid BDSM if you do not trust in your partner or vice versa. Also, there is no need to test your limit just to please your partner if you are not comfortable in pushing it. TSometimes, things can get so intense while indulging in BDSM scenes that you might get carried away.
This might cause some discomfort to your partner and he or she might even get hurt occasionally in all this process. Therefore, you and your partner should finalize some words or sounds (in case you or your partner likes to be gagged) before engaging in sexual activities.
You or your partner can use these words to express their distress or discomfort while either one of you is not aware of it. These words can include simple words ‘Stop’, ‘You are hurting now’, or anything that you can comfortably chirp out while getting hurt or feeling excessive pain.
If either one of you is in deep pain or discomfort or is not able to shout or say words then you can use hand gestures or you can simply nod your head sideways indicating your partner to stop immediately.
Join communities & forums
If you are interested in BDSM, it is quite possible that you will get bored with a particular activity or scene after some time. Also, beginners might not have sufficient knowledge about the fetish or kink they are interested in.
In such situations, they must join BDSM forums and communities that can be found in many dating sites and online communities.
Many dating sites dedicate themselves to BDSM niche these days and they have formed BDSM clubs that frequently arrange parties and meet-ups to bring in more interaction and dating opportunities for the members.
You can benefit from these clubs and communities as you can freely discuss your queries and issues with them. Beginners can find a solution to most of their problems and queries through online platforms or social media.
BDSM enthusiasts need to understand that they should develop a broad-mind to be able to discuss the topics openly with their partners and friends.
BDSM pleasures are sure to be experienced secretly in locked rooms but before that, you must also have the key to open the vault of kinks and fetishes. This key can only be discovered by setting your soul and mind free or by discussing openly with your loved ones and friends.
"Punishment" Items
Bondage gear & toys
If you are interested in bondage, you will have to purchase the necessary gear and toys first. We had discussed some sex gear and toys such as whips, handcuffs, latex costumes, etc. in the earlier section.
Now, we will discuss some rare and highly kinky sex gear and toys that can maximize your pleasure while performing kinky BDSM sex with your partner.
Spanking paddles
Spanking round and juicy bottoms can be one of your favorite pleasures. You can enjoy it more by asking your partner to wear knee-high stockings after leaving her bottoms naked. You might want to slap hard on her buttocks but before that, you must also tease her by using spanking paddles.
Spanking paddles are nothing but equipment that consists of a handle that can be used to hold it and this handle is attached to a flat surface called a blade. Now, the blade can contain spikes or sharp objects or can be completely smooth.
You can choose either one of them depending on the level of pain your partner can endure. Start with small slaps with the paddle and make it more hard and rough when your partner starts to feel it more. However, do not be too harsh especially while using the needled blades.
Masks or hoods
Masks and hoods have been an essential part of the BDSM role-play activities right from the start. We have often seen them in BDSM porn scenes where a dominant person asks or forces his/her partner to wear a mask especially when they are exploring the master-slave relationship.
The mask can be designed to replicate the face of a dog or it can just be a plain mask covering the entire face leaving only two tiny holes through which the submissive partner can see each other. However, many dominant partners like to wear masks while abusing their partners.
It gets more comfortable for them because their partner will not be able to see the expressions of their face while executing punishments. Also, some submissive partners do not like to see their partner’s face while he/she is pelting abuses at them one after the other.
Sometimes, both the master (dom) and the slave (sub) like to wear spandex head coverings as they feel comfortable in expressing themselves freely with a face mask. I have also seen some crazy people wearing masks that even do not have any opening for eyes.
Slave collars
A collar made out of steel or leather is another BDSM gear that is often used in a master-slave relationship. The slave i.e. submissive partner wears a collar and the master likes to catch him/her by collar whenever they are engrossed in punishment or sexual activities.
These collars are often attached by leather belts or lead so that the master can tie his/her partner to his bed or take him/her to a walk. These belts or leads can be detached easily whenever you do not require them.
Note: Things can get pretty ugly and gory in a master-slave relationship. Therefore, beginners must prepare themselves mentally before indulging in such acts. Several other BDSM gear and sex toys are available for the bondage lovers.
They include pinwheel, leather gloves, gag balls, feathers to tickle and tease, candles for indulging in hot wax-play sessions, and much more. The list of BDSM gear and sex toys is so long that we can write a separate book on it and still some items will be left out.
Now that we have covered most of the tips for the beginners, let us focus on some important rules that are related to the couples who are involved in BDSM sex and role-play.
The couples involved in BDSM scenes must follow these rules if they want to keep their relationship strong irrespective of how kinky or dirty their fetish gets.
Be a Caring dom
People who enjoy a dominant role in sexual activity should not consider themselves to be better than their sub-partners. They must understand that they are merely satisfying their fetish and they are lucky enough to have a partner that understands their sexual urges and needs.
On the other hand, it is the sub partner who controls the major activities in their sexual relationship.
A dominant partner has to be polite to his/her partner before and after the session. Sometimes, harsh or dirty language can be used during the role-play as both of them are excited and horny during the intercourse. However, they must drop that language the moment they come out of that activity.
The dominant partner must show extra love and care to his/her partner once their job is done. A loving dom allows his/her partner to be bratty or playful after the sexual activity and this shows the level of trust and comfort they have in each other.
Also, a dominant partner should be careful while choosing abusive and dirty language as they can easily get carried away while enjoying the BDSM scene.
Do it slowly
BDSM is a rough game but you don’t have to be rough right from the start. Usually, the dom slaps the buttocks of the sub lightly just to make it light red. He might pull the hair of the sub lightly at the start. When things heat up, he can start spanking her ass cheeks tightly to turn them red.
Use of leash is also allowed but do not be too harsh. You can also use the leash to tease the ass cheeks and pussy of the sub. As things start getting more intense you will hear your partner moan in delight and pain. Make her moan louder by using your nails to scratch her bums a little.
Grip the hair a bit tighter now and give tight slaps on her buttocks to make her squeal like a rat. Keep your eyes and ears open to check whether your partner is willing to push her limits or not. Grope her tits and pinch her nipples hard to make her scream with excitement.
Bite on her neck, back, and shoulders to arouse her even more. Don’t worry about marks as they are a sign of your steamy lovemaking session. Hurl some insults at her and indulge in dirty talking if she doesn’t mind it. Lift her, throw her on the bed and wrestle with her.
Playfully do all the things and never show unnecessary aggression as it might instill fear in your partner. After all the teasing and domination, you can initiate a powerful fucking session that would satisfy both of you.
Note: This rule applies to all the dominators irrespective of their genders. We have described the above scene using specific gender to create a scene in the minds of our readers.
Be an obedient sub
To engage in a successful master-slave or dominant-submissive relationship, the sub must obey his/her partner at all times. Submissive partners cannot call out the name of their dominating partner directly while engaging in sex.
They should use respectful words such as sir, master, mistress, daddy, etc. to please them. Follow their instructions promptly without raising any questions. If the dominating partner does something that was not agreed upon before, the sub can quietly whisper in their ears to let them know.
Do not break the character at all unless something goes way beyond your control.
kinky punishments redefines your BDSM sessions
Make them cum forcefully
Deny an orgasm
Dominating partners can also indulge in some naughty activities like pushing a gag ball in the sub’s mouth even if he/she dislikes it or using the nipple clamps without any prior discussion. Such activities are allowed but they must be within the boundaries and parameters that were discussed earlier.
Final Verdict
These were some of the rules and tips for those who are interested in BDSM activities. Discuss these things with your partner today and see if he/she likes your ideas. Do not rush to the extremes right away as your progress must be slow yet steady.
Make your partner comfortable and ask them out politely even if they are not interested in BDSM. Describe how it makes you feel and they might agree to experiment out of sheer love that they have for you!