Complete Guide on Submissive Sex (2020)

In case you have some extreme fantasies of getting yourself tied up and having other forms of bondage being executed on you and if you love being told what you have to do, but you are uncertain about how to perform, then this is going to be the perfect guide for you.

This guide will help you understand more about submissive sex.

If you get turned on by the fact that your partner is dominant and demands you to pleasure them in many ways, you could be a person who loves submissive sex but you never realized it early. 

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Submission can be quite a turn on and can get the temperatures soaring. It is one way of releasing oneself into the sexual experience, facing unexpected challenges, being very open to new concepts and being more vulnerable with your partner.

Additionally, in case you find it tough to be quite open while indulging in sexual activity, this kind of sex can make you feel that you have the permission to relax and unwind yourself totally.

However, there are few caveats: Your decision to submit  yourself is a gift and this can be revoked at any time whenever you wish. Submission does not indicate that you can be forced to do sketchy acts by the partner. In case submissive sex can trigger sexual trauma, then this is not the right thing for you.

Also, you must ensure that the person you get submissive with is trustworthy and will not take advantage of this and use it for personal benefits. If everything is in place, and you are turned on by this concept, then you can go for it!

Submissive sex - What exactly is it?

For people who have just heard this concept from your partner or through the internet or by mode of some erotica novels such as The Fifty Shades of Grey, however, you do not know what submissive sex actually is, this will definitely get you sorted.

When you opt for something like submissive sex, firstly, there are two participants in this form of sex - one will be the dominant person and the other will be the submissive person. The power lies in the hands of the dominant person as the rules are created by them.

The submissive person, on the other hand , will be giving up the power and authority and will do every single thing told by the dominant person without any complaints, else they will be punished by the dominant person.

So, how many people actually are going for submissive sex?

If you're a person who gets turned on by the concept of being bonded and stripped down, then you will be surprised to know that you are not the only one. About 5-10%, on an approximate, of the population residing in the United States are engaging themselves in submissive and dominant sex regularly.

This kind of feeling is not uncommon and there are a lot of reasons for being aroused by the very thought and feeling of being submissive in the act. There are a lot of people who feel exactly the same way as you do.

What Does it Mean to be Submissive?

Does it feel good to be powerless?

Most of the time, people believe that by being submissive to their partner, there is a problem with them. However, one must understand that this is normal and this is the fact that people get aroused by different things, one of which is being submissive during sex.

However, the need to be submissive might be a conflicting one, especially with the societal norms of behavior. As per society, a person has to be confident all time  and even aggressive, particularly in businesses and workplaces. This can create a conflict with your internal feelings.

The primary thing that you must do is accept the fact that being submissive in the act is not wrong. A few people feel like this naturally whereas a few might feel the need to be dominant. You would have definitely read or heard about the term BDSM which is exactly the same concept.

In case you feel like getting into the submissive mode with your partner, wherein every aspect of your sexual activities is being controlled by the partner, or maybe certain aspects would be controlled by them, then you must remember that this is normal. For a few people, the only kind of submission that they intend to experience is to give oral sex to their men.

So yes, it is quite normal to feel this way and intend to be submissive or even have the burning desire to be this way. So, now let us look into some of the ways of experiencing submissiveness with your partner.

Submissive Sex - The Sexual positions

1. A Safe Secret

This is a kind of position wherein you are vulnerable but are still protected. The dominant partner is free to play around with you in gentle as well as harsh ways; for instance, a swat on your butt will take you by a shock, which will be followed by a sweet lick on the inner thigh.

Also, you will not be able to anticipate what they have planned to do  to you, and this can be a turn on for many.

2. The Surrender

This is the position where you need to lie down on the bed and your hands will be placed right above your head. The hands will be restrained with either handcuffs or a makeshift binding using a cloth or t-shirt.

The partner will bring you to the brink of orgasm using their mouth or toys or a combination of both and then stop. The cycle is repeated and this keeps you on the edge till you beg them to give you the orgasm that you are waiting for.

This in fact is the partner taking care of your desires, though the position is submissive, yet you are the one benefited from it.

3. Armlock

In Armlock position,  you get into wrestler mode with the partner wherein the partner will pin you down using their body weight.

They will hold your arms down wherein you are in a position that they prefer. They can also hold your hair and give you instructions that will restrict your movement else you would be punished for the same.

4. Open Book

For a beginner submission pose, you will move your legs right by your head side and spread the legs wide as possible during the standard missionary position. The partner will then hold the legs and spread them open to give you the feeling of exposure.

They can also pin you down a bit further to see if you can handle it. The situation gets hotter when they slide into you slowly and watch you closely while you take them in.

5. Double Peep Show

Here two chairs are placed in a manner to face each other.

The partner will give you a lot of tasks such as to suck them up or to touch yourself and feel yourself. You will have to perform the said tasks, and you must perform them well. In return, they will reward you with a pat or anything else that they wish to do to you.

How can you go in for submissive sex?

Though the concept of telling your partner to do certain things seems quite simple and easy, there is much more to this concept of submissive sex than you think.

So in case you wish to take your simple sex life to another level, there are a few guidelines that will make submissive sex safer and a lot more fun.

The Truth about Dom/Sub Relationships (from a 24/7 slave!)

#1 Always discuss with your partner

The first main step to performing submissive sex is talking about it to your partner. You must ensure your partner understands what it is and your tendencies towards submissiveness and the very fact that you intend to learn how you can be more submissive.

The best way is to talk to your partner. Initially, you might feel it is too soon to discuss this with your partner, the best way is to build this approach and take it slow.

Tell your partner what you love to do for him which happens to be some submissive acts and also let him know indirectly that you love your partner to be dominant.

#2 You must decide which role fits you and your partner

You have to decide who becomes submissive and who will play dominant. The truth here is that there are few people who tend to be dominant naturally and a few are submissive. In case you intend to be submissive, you need to tell them about it.

This kind of sex requires two types of partners - dominant and submissive. IN case your partner is not dominant in any manner and you realize that they are submissive naturally, it is tough to have submissive sex, unless you intend to be the dominant one.

#3 Research on the concept

There is a lot of information available on submissive sex on the internet. You must research on it, in case you wish to indulge in submissive sex. You will also get different ideas on the same. Also, the research must be done with your partner.

When you research with your partner on this kind of information, you will be able to understand what you and  your partner wants and this will make sex an enjoyable experience for both.

#4 The boundaries have to be pre-agreed upon 

Both parties must agree on the boundaries. When you have submissive sex, both need to understand the boundaries.

This is due to the fact there are many ways of having submissive sex, and hence it is essential to set clear boundaries on what could be too much so as to avoid any kind of awkwardness and also getting hurt. The best way is to experiment with your partner.

You can try out new things and let them know in case you really like something. You can also  avoid doing it when you are being submissive.

#5 The terms have to be discussed

A few people tend to take the relationship of submissive sex to extreme levels and they might apply the concept of dominance in every aspect when they live with their partner. This is a very rare form of submission, however, it happens many times.

You need to discuss the period of the submissive mode and make it very clear. You must decide whether it is applied only during sex when you are at home or will be applicable for the entire day.

#6 Safewords

Safewords can be used during the duration of the submissive behavior every day, however, these are very important and have to be used during sex. In case the boundaries have been set, there could be times where your partner might do something that has not been covered.

You must make sure that there is a safe word that can be used in such situations and you can avoid any kind of discomfort or avoid getting hurt. Keep the word simple and ensure it can be recognized easily by your partner.

#7 Take it slow

When you have never got into submissive acts before, it is not right to jump into the submissive relationship immediately. Since you are not used to such things , being quite strong in this kind of relationship can lead to a negative effect on the experience of submissive sex.

You must take things slow and try out small behaviors of submissiveness before you actually get into the act. It would require some time to learn about what is preferred and what becomes a  boundary.

#8 Try role playing

When you begin the submissive relationship, you need to get into a submissive mindset and this could be a bit tough, particularly if you have never ventured into this area earlier. The best way is to indulge in role-playing various acts that will place you in a submissive position.

Some of the best ones are the professor and student, the boss and employee, and yes even the master and the slave. These will put you into the submissive mindset and also enable your partner to become dominant in case they face a struggle with it too.

#9 Open communication

Submissive sex can get a bit complicated based on the extremities. The individual who is submissive could also end up getting hurt on an emotional level in case things get extreme. Open communication with the partner is essential to make the process smooth.

#10 Experimentation with various kinds of submissive behaviors

When you embark on the journey of having submissive sex,  the routine has to be experimented with.

It is not just the roles that need experimentation. You can take the relationship of submissiveness a level further and do it often. You can try out various toys such as whips, gags, and restraints. It will be surprising to know what you love!

#11 If you like it ask for more!

In case your partner is quite timid and feels that they could hurt you or maybe they are not very dominant, you can simply ask them to do it more than what they are doing.

This is essential, as your partner would want to make sure you are satisfied and they will change some things or ways of doing certain things to make it enough for you.

#12 Stop it if you do not love it

If you enjoy the process of being in a submissive relationship, you can easily continue with it. However, if you are not happy with submissive sex and do not like it, you need to stop doing it and you can just have a talk about it with your partner.

How can a person be submissive without giving up total control?

You must understand that just by being submissive, you do not have to give up total control. In case you are planning to do a serious BDSM, discuss with the partner as to what would happen rather than just getting a few elements in your regular routine. You can plan out a "scene".

The scene can be scheduled in advance and you can plan out the various activities. The safe word must be quite simple and easy to remember and this can be said in case you are under duress. Check out some safe words on Wikipedia. 

The popular one used is the system of lights where you can instruct your partner by saying different light colors. For instance:

  • You say Red when you want your partner to stop
  • You say Yellow when your partner to slow down
  • You say Green when you want your partner to continue

It is a great feeling to be submissive, however, it can be frightening as well, in case you do not feel safe, or you do not understand how you can be submissive in a good way. If you enjoy and love to be submissive, there is a possibility that the scenes could trigger some traumas in the past.

This is normal and in case you have a healthy relationship with your partner, you can work it out and enjoy the erotic feeling and experience of BDSM.

Red Flags

When you wish to get into a submissive relation, you must be cautious. When any partner thinks that you can be submissive only when you give up total control. 

A red flag is when you and your partner are not discussing this and what will happen in this act, or there are no safe words created to use, or if you feel that BDSM is too early for you, then there is a possibility that the partner could be a potential abuser.

A potential abuser is an unsafe partner and they might not allow you to state your needs and limits. They might even argue that you are not very submissive even though you are. However, this is not true. A huge red flag is the ignorance of safe words. Many other types of red flags are:

  • Your partner tries to break you totally
  • He distances you from the family and friends
  • Jealous nature
  • Having mood swings
  • Does not talk and discuss
  • Humiliates you outside your act
  • Refusing to accept his mistake and refusing to apologize
  • Forcing you to be submissive
  • Ignoring any request for using condoms or engaging in safe sex
  • Crossing the boundaries
  • Compelling you to do certain things which can cause you harm, for instance, you are not allowed to use the bathroom
  • Cheating
  • Lying
  • Drug abuse or alcohol abuse during a scene
  • Past bad relationships

BDSM is in fact not abuse, as both partners should benefit from BDSM, and in this act, you cannot be compelled to do anything which you are not comfortable with or in case you do not feel safe.

The tables have been Turned

Generally,  the most common images we would see was that of the male being dominant and the female being submissive. However, these days, this is not the only way of getting into submissiveness sex.

Even your man can be submissive to a powerful woman and there can be a change in positions as well where the man is submissive and the woman is dominant. A person who can enjoy both these roles is called a switch, as he or she can experience both sides of the role.

When you opt for the dominant role, you can use your man to satisfy you and give you pleasure. I A woman need not be submissive at all times.

You can even explore the dominant side that you possess.

When BDSM is done right, you can explore it further and follow the mantra of ensuring it is safe, consensual and sane. there is nothing to be afraid of or ashamed of if you want to be dominant or submissive.

You can be honest with your partner and talk freely about what you wish to be.

The main benefit of BDSM is that honesty is encouraged. And there has to be a frequent discussion and communication between the two about sex.

However, sex is a topic that is not encouraged for discussion by society, even if it is with your partner.

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Is Submitting Dangerous?

In any activity related to BDSM, there is some kind of risk, though a few activities are less riskier. For example, spanking is not risky, however, choking can be risky. There are some ways in which risk can be limited:

  • Get your homework done about the activity, prior to the execution. In this way, you will be aware of the risks and you can plan well.
  • Always have a First Aid Kit, cell phone and safety shears near your scene. In case anything goes wrong, getting out of bondage can be easy and you can call for help and take care of the wounds if any.
  • Make sure you have a safe word and never be afraid of using it. In case you are afraid of using the word or it is ignored by the partner, it is of no use. The safe word can be used at any time.. Select a safe word that is easy to remember and simple to say.
  • Engage in BDSM only if you trust your partner. Though the guy can be hot and good enough for just some one-night stand, if you do not trust the guy, do not go for BDSM.
  • Submission is a gift and can be withdrawn anytime.


If you get turned on with the thought of being in bondage and submissive to your partner, submissive sex is for you.

You can look up the internet and research the topic. However, it is essential to talk to your partner about it, research together about it and try it out before you actually get into various acts. Also, it is important to understand who will be submissive and dominant.

Initially, you need to start slow and once you get used to the concept, you can begin experimenting and trying out new things. There are a lot of toys available which can be used to get into the mode and which will ensure you have a great time.

However, make sure you trust the partner before venturing into BDSM, else it could be dangerous. And now, even the roles have changed; even a woman can be the dominant person and the man a submissive. This will help your man understand what you like and how you like it.

You must remember that BDSM is not abuse, but is an activity that benefits both the parties in the act.

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