How to be Good Dom? Everything About Being the Dominant Explained

Also read: BDSM Punishments, BDSM Dating sites, BDSM GIfs, Sub punishments

How to be a Dom (2022) - Ultimate A-Z Guide - (with Videos)

What is a Dom? 

If you are new to the BDSM world, you must first know it stands for bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, sadism /masochism. Dom means dominant, or who shows his dominance in bed by being in control of the trajectory of intercourse.

They crave obedience from their submissive and that’s why they are also known as “Alpha”, which is spelled with capital ‘A’ while small case ‘s’ for submissive.

They commonly require their subs to address them with honorary titles like sir, master, daddy, sadist, owner, boss and so on. Hence, a dom is known for their authoritative role play in their performance in bed.

Many Doms these days also show obsessive-compulsive personality and arrange for well being, guidance, disciplining as well as training of their sub. They ensure to provide a safe working environment for their subs so they don’t feel conscious about the whole thing.

Moreover, they also reflect on them continuously by taking good care of their own bodies, health, home, jobs etc.

What’s a Dom isn’t?

Dominant practices should be healthy where a person shouldn’t be treated as slave by virtue of being a human, just because one has entered into a subordinate role. Some do’s and don’ts of dominant behavior are-

What are the different types of Doms?

There are a multitude of options for you to choose from a market of doms. However, these categories are not mutually exclusive in the sense that you can always mix and match the features of various styles in order to carve out your unique Dom aura. Some of these styles are-

Daddy Dom

Daddy Dom as the name suggests is like a father figure to the sub. They showcase caring qualities and are soft and gentle in behavior to their subs.

Just like our fathers in our normal lives, daddy doms perform the same function of a role model, teacher etc in bed.

That’s why their relationship is popularly called DDLG, not the romantic movie, but “Daddy Dom Little Girl”. It is also known as CLG (Caregiver Little Girl).

Master Dom

A Master Dom is self- evident from the name itself. Just like Europeans engaged in slave trade of Africans and acted as their masters, Master Doms also engage in a slave-oriented submissive relationship.

He also provided slave training to sub who learns about the things that pleases his master.

The master treats his sub like a non-living property and they engage in both sexual and non-sexual play depending on master’s mood. For example, sub might maintain his household, cook dinner or even act his sexual toy.

Sadist Dom

A sadist is the cruelest variety of Dom sub-types. He is the total opposite of Daddy Dom. He enjoys inflicting pain on his subs by engaging in bondage, spanking, flogging and other inhumane treatments.

He also doesn’t care about emotional well- being of the sub as he intentionally engage in disregarding and humiliating language throughout sex.

For instance, calling out offending terms like slut is a quality of a sadist Dom. This is why he is often termed as ‘masochist’ who derives sexual gratification from other’s humiliation.

Romantic Dom

Just like our Daddy Dom sub-type, romantic Dom also acts like a caregiver. They always focus on taking care of the things and ensure that no issues is faced.

Hence, he is also called Caregiver Dom. He enjoys nurturing and ensuring the well-being of his sub by taking decisions for his sub like what to eat, what to wear, which career path to go on etc.

Financial Dom

A financial Dom is a money-minded person who tries to control the financial decisions of his subs. He also handles the money of the sub and takes notes on the sub's spending and earning activities.

This type of Dom may have passed out of top B schools or is just like an ordinary Dom with a sharp financial acumen.

Owner Dom

This type of Dom is similar to the category of previously mentioned Master Dom but with a slight tinge of differences. Just like the Master Dom, an Owner Dom holds the ownership and possession of his submissive slave.

The difference lies in the specifics whereby the sub enjoys the role of pet play during sex. During pet play, the Dom acts like a pet-owner and performs activities like serving food to sub from a bowl on the floor.

As a pet owner he takes care of the things that are related with the overall growth of the dom. He makes the sub wear a collar or even sleep in a cage.

Rigger Dom

A Rigger Dom is particularly famous to employ different kinds of ropes during his sex play. There can be various reasons for his rope related fantasies.

Fantasies have the ingrained quality of being as weird as possible. Here, the Rigger Dom either enjoys his submissive in a restrained, unhelpful and tied-up position or simply for the beautiful rope work.

How to be a good Dom

After reading so much about the introduction to the BDSM world and the types of Doms, Your next question must be what really makes a good Dom?

After all, we don’t want to cause harm to the other person in our desires of fulfilling our dominant fantasies. Here is a list of qualities for you to start your journey towards a good Dom-

Learn the Language

Lingo and acronyms are a big deal for the BDSM community. You might want to be sure of apprising yourselves with these before proclaiming yourself as a dominant player. You should try to be an active reader and observer to engrain these millennial terms like-

Apart from these, Dom’s body language, personality and speech should indicate his position of control. They should be confident and direct in their language.

For instance, instead of asking “where would you like to go for dinner?” they would command you “I’m taking you out to dinner. Choose a place.” They are specifically direct and express their speech or attitude directly.

Follow the principles

There are some established conventions in the BDSM world which my fellow readers must be apprised of-

RACK BDSM philosophy- it stands for “Risk Aware Consensual Kink”. It means that you are aware of the risks of a masochist sort-off behavior and you still choose to go ahead based on a consensual contract.

SSC BDSM philosophy- It stands for “Safe, Sane, Consensual”. It is the opposite of RACK whereby Dom-sub chooses to engage in role play only during a sane mind stage. It avoids riskier plays.

Understand your Cravings

You can choose to take a BDSM test or simply fill out a sex menu in order to enhance your awareness about what you desire. It is okay to browse your options online but under the garb of common desires, you might miss out on your own cravings.

Hence, if you don’t like spankings, the simple solution is don't do it. Anything which is not liked by you should not be done. Only follow your dreams and try to fulfill each one of them!

Understand your sub

Psychology recommends after thorough research that to be a good Dom, it is important to understand the reasons why your sub is choosing to enter into this at all.

You must also be aware about what your sub prefers.

If sub preferences are ignored it would not be easy to proceed further with other operations. So, it has been said that it is necessary to understand your sub properly so that no issues can take place in future.

Be there for her

Society often shames women for expressing her sexual desires, let alone engage in BSDM play. But you should stick to your Dom code- Leave her better than you found her.

Hence, you should try to clear out her insecurities, provide mental nutrition and build a trustful and caring environment for her.

Own your Power

Being a Dom comes with its own challenges as well. You have been consciously trained about an equal power relationship and here you are performing the role of dominant one.

But you need to rise above this societal pressure as well as your inner drive to be independent for your tasks.

You must come to terms with the fact that there is no harm in taking help from people who derive pleasure out of it. If you help others you will always get a positive outcome, so always ensure to help others.

Be mentally bold

This essentially means that you must try to engrain the mental traits of a good Dom which includes curiosity, open-mindedness, non-judgmental, kind, consistency in behavior, decisiveness, strategist, empathetic and so on.

If you have these pointers with you then you will be considered bold and also mentally bold.

Work on your Mind, Body and Voice

A good Dom is a package of a stable mind, healthy body and good communication skills. You need not be like Christian Grey as he is the ideal but you must strive to embrace your challenges and work toward achieving the goals mentioned above.

Since only a stable mind will make you decisive about your desires, a healthy body will make you attractive for the pleasure of your sub and your voice will establish your credibility as a Dom.

If you do not work on your body and do not maintain a good credibility then it would be difficult for you to achieve what you want or desire to accomplish in the coming future .

What is the difference between a Good Dom and a Bad Dom

In reality, there is no particular definition of a Good Dom and a Bad Dom. There are blurry boundaries which separate these two categories which we are often not taught in school.

It’s either a Star Kid or the naughty one who stands in a corner after doing something mischievous. What stands apart a good Dom, or even a sub, depends a lot on the dynamics shared by the two.

Then there are also the universal ways of humane treatment that applies in world of sex as well. However, for the sake of clearing out the confusion, we shall delve into this question as well. Objectively, being a good Dom means-

In contrast, a bad Dom may come across as rude, humiliating and disregarding. They act like a sadist mistake being ‘dominant’ for ‘domineering’. They often go beyond sub’s safe limit and also use threats which is considered as a bad aspect for dom.

What do Doms actually do?

After looking so much about the qualities of Dom, it is also important to have an understanding of what all a Dom does or can do for you to start your play.

You can employ and explore any aspect of BSDM, but here are a few starting options for you-

Form a Sex Menu-  

This is essential so that you and your sub are aware about each other’s interests and likings. It fosters good communication and breaks the stigma of talking about sex.

Rule setting- 

They must be clearly put across to both the parties to establish boundaries and maintain a good Dom-sub dynamics.

Spankings- 

It can be a foreplay technique and establishes the dominance of the master. It can be both playful and fun as well as a form of punishment.

Restraining- 

You can experiment with types of bondages as most subs enjoy being tied up in rope play.

Performing chores- 

Master/slave relationships involve the sub performing tasks like grocery shopping, researching fun things to do on weekends, searching restaurants, washing up and many more simple errands.

Training- 

you can read slave training guides to guide your sub ino what you are into and how you expect things to be in bed.

Decision making- 

You can make decisions for her which can range from deciding a dress for your restaurant date, choosing her career option or simply looking after her finances. After all, which dominant doesn’t like to see her sub in his desired outfit?

Act on signals- 

Safe words and hard words are a key to a sub’s power. You must choose simplistic keywords in order to understand them when you are in a completely different mental zone or might be enjoying the peak of your orgasm.

Tool researching- 

A true master knows his tools and also tests them before trying them out first handedly on their subs. It is a mark of good Dom. A bit of self-flagellation is good to get a vague idea of how impactful your tool is going to be.

What common mistakes do Doms make? 

Flashing your Dom cards are in no way your free pass to being a total fuckhead or an asshole. It isn’t a LA LA Land of free sex toys or porn-star prostitutes.

You need to be aware of your mistakes equally as you are aware about your fantasies. Ask yourself whether you have been doing the mistakes mentioned below and take remedial actions soon-

Raising your voice- 

Angry, loud voice and rudeness is not a sign of a stable mind which is essential for self-control. It needs to be controlled in a proper manner.

Perfection- 

you can’t achieve finesse in a single day. Expecting perfection when you are a beginner would only harm you in the end.

Seriousness- 

You don’t have to act like a politician who is the harbinger of bad news and tries to be diplomatically correct in his speech. Engage your joyful attitude in bed as well if you have a joyous attitude to life in general. Even your sub will appreciate this quality and make the process more fun.

Do it all attitudes- 

Don’t try to explore all aspects of BDSM in a single play. Learn what your partner desires and take it one step at a time. For instance, it won’t make you a bad Dom if you don’t like causing pain or don’t want to use leather at all.

Forcing someone- 

The principle of Safe, sensual, consensual should be practiced at all times. Consensus is sine qua non for good D/s dynamics.

Not owning your mistakes- 

It’s sexy if you admit and apologize for your mistakes rather than the contrary belief. Being sorry for your mistake doesn’t make you less of a Dom.

Not timing your demands- 

Some beginners might expect their dates or partner to start right off as a submissive. It is foolish to think of that as you first have to establish trust in order to gain her approval. He has to earn his position of dominance rather than forcing it upon her.

Expecting submission in public-

There are different types of sub. While some would want a 24/7 position of submissiveness, others would restrict it to the bedroom and demand equal power dynamic in public. You should understand her position before expecting submission at all times.

Poor communication- 

If you haven’t clearly communicated your desires and expectations, you can’t surely expect your sub to follow them and give you the pleasure you want. Hence, you should consider writing a BDSM contract daily for enhancing communicative dialogue.

Domineering instead of being dominant- 

It is quite common that Dom gets so much engaged in the BDSM culture that they might not be aware when they cross the thin line between Domineering and Dominance.

They should know the difference between sexual abuse and fun dominant play in order to respect the integrity of the sub. After all, both Dom and sub have an equal right to humane treatment. For instance, Stealthing is an act of sexual assault

Conclusion: 

At the start of the article you must have thought Dom was smacking your sub’s ass a few times. But that is not the case anymore.

To evoke the power of principles portrayed through cinema, especially a powerful one like The Amazing Spiderman, Doms should be conscious of “With great power, comes great responsibility”.

They owe this to their sub and can’t ward off their duties towards this profession because “every right comes with a corresponding duty”.

Hence, before starting out as Dom in bed, it is advisable to thoroughly research about your own likings as well as the do’s and don’ts of Dom-sub culture.